There are only 3 reasons I’m writing this post from the courtroom of my bankruptcy trial instead of the champaign room of a luxury yacht…

Because there are only 3 reasons the Cincinnati Bengals lost the AFC Championship.

In order of progressive significance:

• The absence of Tyler Boyd for most of the game

• The duplicity of the Chief’s medical staff

• A truly historic officiating performance/armed robbery

I just wanna point out that Boyd was the single most sneaky devastating loss this Bengals squad could have possibly suffered. And he was gone by the middle of the 2nd quarter.

Tyler Boyd is the Chris Bosh of Cincinnati’s ‘Big 3’ receivers; he dutifully accepts a schematic ceiling on his own talents so that his two even more talented teammates have space to thrive and ultimately propel the entire team to new heights.

The moment Boyd was sidelined the Chiefs were safe to commit their mid-ass secondary to constant double teams on Jamar Chase and Tee Higgins, extinguishing most ways the Bengals know how to advance the football.

It made such a clear and immediate impact on the game that Tony Romo even glanced up from his spring tee times calendar to comment on it.

So fine, injuries are unpredictable as they happen in games, we get it.

But ummmm what about the injury report!? Mahomes was moving around like a guy who maybe stubbed his toe in warmups, not a guy who’s a single week removed from a cringe-inducing high ankle sprain.

The Bengals’ embarrassing pass rush sure didn’t test Mahomes, but this is the first time anyone has ever come back that quickly and that effectively from this particular type of injury. Which leaves 2 explanations:

1. Mahomes didn’t actually suffer a legitimate high ankle, but since it sure looked like he did, the Chiefs medical team allowed us all to believe that was the case. So while the Chiefs know he’s miraculously avoided significant damage, the Bengals/gambling public are kept in the dark all week, unable to properly adjust.

2. Mahomes did suffer a legitimate high ankle but did some wild Mr. Miyagi/Magic Johnson type meds that us plebs don’t even know exists

Honestly, I give it 50/50 one way or the other. Trusting medical institutions at their word feels just a tad foolish post COVID, then again, we know world-class athletes have been getting secret super treatments since Herr Bryant.

Even with all that deception or all those stem cells or whatever the fuck, this Chiefs team STILL couldn’t have escaped their own backyard with a win if not for the pack of thieving zebras that basically bestowed it to them.

I’d like to nominate all the footage of Ron Torbert and his crew in the second half of this game for Best Adapted Screenplay at this year’s Oscars. Talk about a slap in the face.

Poor officiating making a clear impact on the result of a big game is not a new concept. Over the years we’ve seen countless missed holds (check), ticky tack pass interference calls (check), and creatively subjective roughing the passer penalties (chuh-chiggity-check).

This game had all the classics, but it had one more thing that I sincerely have never seen before. In any sport. In my entire life.

You know what I’m talking about.

The do-over play.

People can say whatever they like about the rulebook and it being *pushes up nerd glasses* enforced properly.

There’s no denying the fact that shit is unprecedented, and it makes these refs appear so egregiously one-sided that it becomes funny (to anyone outside Ohio, but they have Chappelle’s manor, they’re good).

I mean… they really said “Ctrl+Z” in front of 53 million people.

The net effect of that entire bizarre sequence was only 70 seconds being bled off the clock before Cinci got the ball back, but wow man, hard to do optics worse than that.

Now Arian Foster looks like a whistleblower. This game had more gratuitous plot twists than the last season of Game of Thrones.

The Heat bank robbery/shootout is the greatest heist ever put to film, but this “all-star” officiating crew stealing this moneyline from myself and more than 75% of the degenerate population is instantly top 5.

So, since I just dropped 700 words about how they shouldn’t even be here, the way to make up this L gotta be to fade the Chiefs, right?

Hell nah! I know better than to jinx the birds like that. The only lock of this game is that these poor FOX announcers are going to get eviscerated by football Twitter.

Bet Kansas City all the way. You won’t.