On the final day of this past August, I staked my world-renowned gambling reputation along with multiple entire dollars on 3 different Super Bowl futures.

A trio of bets, or rather, investments, so undeniably advantageous they could only reasonably result in netting any financially faithful reader a shiny new yacht.

Those inaugural Yacht Lock® selections were as follows:

Kansas City Chiefs (+1000)

San Francisco 49ers (+1600)

Philadelphia Eagles (+2000)

Today, there are only 4 teams left alive this NFL season. Almost half a year earlier, I gave you 75% of them, no misses.

Sure, only one team can actually hoist the Lombardi, but even if you bet on all 3 back in September the worst problem you’d have now would be seeking shelter from your impending cash-out avalanche. Yacht money is yacht money.

So… I’m not gonna call myself a genius. Self-proclaimed geniuses been having a real hard time lately. Plus, patting yourself on the back with arbitrary accolades like that is just plain pretentious.

Anyways y’all may now refer to me as the Future Fiend, the Parlay Prophet, the Yacht Lock Shock Jock, Bradstradamus… I don’t much care which, pick your fav. Feel like they all, y’know, get the point across.

What I will do, my savvy sports capitalists, is inform you of a new investment opportunity that’s just come across my desk. The dawn of a new Yacht Lock approaches.

It’s important to state that, as with all Yacht Locks, I did not seek out this immaculate wager. It simply appeared to me in a vision. A moment of degenerate intervention.

I don’t believe in ‘daily picks’ or ‘bet of the week’ or any of that shit. Any wagers being made on/because of random made-up timetables are fundamentally flawed, because they ignore the very first rule of sports betting:

You’re not trying to be a hero… you’re trying to make money.

Any dickhead giving out wagers on a schedule is, well, a dickhead. Their primary goal is getting enough eyeballs watching so they can generate enough ad revenue to bankroll their own next round of hasty picks. It’s a cyclical, scheduled process in which you winning any money along the way is a happy accident.

How this is all supposed to go is literally the Clooney quote from Ocean’s 11. You don’t chase the perfect hand; you wait for the perfect hand.

And for this conference championship weekend, the football gods have dealt us pocket aces.

Cincinnati Bengals Moneyline (+108)

Patrick Mahomes is gonna have to play this game on one leg, and I think that will make it quite difficult for the Chiefs to, y’know, win it.

A controversial statement? Shouldn’t be. Yet every talking head I hear and sportsbook page I refresh all damn week is trying to make me feel like I’m taking crazy pills with this.

Am I the only one who watched that game against the Jags? Did y’all see Mahomes’ high ankle!? How is everyone acting like he’s gonna be fine one week into an injury that we know takes months to fully recover from?

Maybe there’s so much hype invested in an seeing another awesome Mahomes vs Burrow title game matchup that people are literally in desperate denial. Who knows, who cares.

What matters is the books are giving out plus odds on the only team in this game with a bipedal quarterback. Their oversight is our opportunity. Our Yachtportunity.

And that’s without mentioning Joe Burrow’s own brilliance, or the Bengal’s current ‘fuck you’ tour against trendy AFC teams/the league office itself, or the Chief’s nonexistent home field advantage, or Andy Reid’s boundless playoff disappointments, etc, etc.

Do not be fooled by a single Chad Henne drive against a Jaguars team that barely snuck into the playoffs at all (and still covered the spread!). The Bengals have a tested, unafraid defense that the Chiefs will need 100% of Mahomes to defeat this week.

I’m not throwing any shots at Mahomes, poor guy is gonna have plenty of those jabbed in his leg on Sunday as is. He’s as miraculous as any quarterback to ever touch a football, no doubt.

But right now he’s not himself. No matter how many cakewalk practices he shows up to this week, dude’s leg got clinically jacked up and the rest of KC’s offense isn’t equipped to account for a flamingo quarterback (they stand on one leg a lot, look it up).

I look forward to your postcards from the Mediterranean.