There are currently 12 NFL franchises that have never won a Super Bowl. Some have longer droughts than others, but when it comes to evaluating just how disgraceful a team’s vacant trophy case truly is, there are more factors to consider:

What city do you represent? What’s your fanbase like? Is your failure more funny or sad?

When teams fail, blame for that failure gets passed around like it’s the check at an expensive restaurant; nobody wants to take that L, but like it or not somebody’s gonna have to or you’re all spending the night in jail (nailed that analogy).

The way I see it, you can blame fans (in rare and specific scenarios) for a lost game. You can certainly blame underperforming players or thoughtless GMs for a lost season. But for decade after decade of fundamental failure? That’s on ownership, straight up.

And don’t give me that “jUsT bEcAuSe YoU dOn’T wIn ThE TitLe DoEsN’t MeAn YoUr SeAsOn Is A tOtAl FaiLuRe” nonsense. You know who thinks like that? Losers. And I know it’s brave to say this, but LSS is a staunchly anti-loser brand.

Ok sure, over the sample size of a single season, a team can definitely fall short of a ring and still be considered a success story. This year’s Tennessee Derrick Henrys are a prime example of that.

But we’re not talking about one year here. Or five. Or 10. Or 15. The shortest drought on this list is 18 years and it would probably be even longer if the Texans had been formed before the turn of the millennium.

With all of that explained, here is the definitive, 100% fact-based ranking of precisely how disgraceful each of these franchises’ Super Bowl droughts are (in reverse order for dramatic effect):

12 – Houston Texans – 18 years

Like I said before, the Texans technically have the shortest drought on this list. To get even more technical, if you include all the other teams that have won at least a single Super Bowl since their creation, the Texans actually have the 12th shortest drought in the whole league.

For the purposes of this exercise, they’re still the new kid in school. Of course, there’s plenty to make fun of, but you can’t just roast the new kid as soon as they finish unpacking the moving truck. That would be cruel.

But rest assured, another half decade or two of poor team building and underwhelming front office hires and the Texans will be getting bullied up and down the playground in no time.

Edit: I wrote this before Bill O’Brien was officially named GM in addition to the title of subpar coach he already had. I rest my case, your honor.

11 – Jacksonville Jaguars – 25 years

Only once in my life have I seen someone wearing a piece of Jaguars merchandise out in the wild.

A guy was wearing a black Jags hat at this weird small gas station tucked into the part of Orlando that doesn’t make it into the Disney World ads. My mom double checked to make sure the doors were locked on the rental car if that helps you create a mental image.

And that’s basically what I understand to be true of the Jaguars fan base: ostensibly, they exist somewhere, but to find them you’re probably gonna have to look in some interesting places.

But I suppose that’s to be expected from the only major sports team to play for the city that brought us the musical stylings of Limp Bizkit just a year before the Jags were enfranchised.

The Jaguars are another team whose title drought is only limited by the age of their own existence. But since I can’t really put a face to the people they’re disappointing, they take the eleventh spot.

10 – Carolina Panthers – 25 years  

Entering the NFL the same year as the Jaguars, the Panthers took the liberty of representing not simply a single measly city, but, what, I guess two entire states? Or maybe they only mean the North one?

They say they’re based out of Charlotte, but the arrogance to claim potentially multiple states when you already clearly play in a perfectly sizable city is a move I both respect and detest. The Panthers’ brash ambiguity is one of the reasons their drought is a slightly greater disgrace than the Jags.

Also, DaBaby regularly reps the lowly Charlotte Hornets, and if he’s willing to undertake that brutal fandom it stands to reason that he must be a Panthers fan, too. In my book, disappointing DaBaby is worth at least a few bonus disgrace points.

Edit: Upon further research I was more than correct. Not only is DaBaby a Panthers fan but OH MY GOD HE MADE A MUSIC VIDEO FOR A SONG ABOUT CAM NEWTON’S DAB AT A PANTHERS TAILGATE IN 2015. This video has more than enough going on to be its own column post (he got a cop to dab at 2:18!!!), but as an artist myself I must let this art speak for itself.

9 – Cincinnati Bengals – 52 years

Now we’re getting into the half century club members. Of all these esteemed franchises, the Bengals are the least disgraceful. Why? Because they play in Cincinnati.

That’s kind of it. Are they really supposed to have championship teams in Cincinnati? It would feel out of place if any Ohio NFL team won a Super Bowl. But among the two possible options, a perpetual losing culture simply goes less noticed in Cincinnati than it does in Cleveland.

And why in god’s name are they called the Bengals? How many wild Bengal tigers can there possibly be in southwest Ohio? I’m setting the over/under at 0.5.

8 – Tennessee Titans – 54 years

While they’re currently yet another state-representing team, the Titans weren’t always.

Their 36 years representing the city of Houston as the Oilers earns them a little respect, but like too many of their NFL brethren, they succumbed to the disease of statewide representation in 1997.

I can’t be the only person with this opinion. Seriously, just pick a city for god’s sake! It’s not like there’s a shortage of them to choose from!

I mean, maybe be careful around the coasts so your stadium isn’t underwater in 50 years because of that whole climate change thing (speaking of which, I wonder how the team name Oilers would play in 2020. Not very eco-friendly. Then again, the Redskins are still a thing… I pose the question to you: what’s worse? Racism or fossil fuels? I know, I know. Tough one), but I’m pretty sure the state of Tennessee doesn’t have a ton of beachfront property.

It might seem like the opposite is true, but I think trying to represent an entire state actually dilutes your potential fanbase rather than expands it. City pride is a much more powerful drug than state pride.

Ironically, the state teams are almost all less disgraceful than the city teams on this list precisely because of this theory. They just have less invested fans to disappoint, which in turn lessens the disgrace of their title drought.

I don’t know about you, but that sure sounds like science to me.

7 – Arizona Cardinals – 54 years

I didn’t bother to mention this in the Texan’s section, but in my book, you need a really good reason to play in a dome. The Cardinals, who play in Arizona, lack the justification for the dome they play in, so they earn the seventh spot based on that disgraceful reality alone.

They’re not any lower on this list because they also commit two other franchise felonies I’ve already mentioned:

1. Like the Panthers, they have the audacity to represent an entire state for no real reason.

2. Like the Jaguars and Bengals, I can’t successfully create a mental image of the fans they’re disappointing. I mean at least I bore witness to a single real-life Jags fan. I’ve never seen anyone in a (umm… hold on… I’ll think of someone… uhhhhh… AHA! Got it) Larry Fitzgerald jersey.

6 – Minnesota Vikings – 54 years

You may be starting to pick up on a theme here. Yes, the Vikings are a state team that plays in a dome, but ironically, the only thing preventing them from an even higher spot on the disgrace list is their location.

Not only is it hard to get fans to trek through the frozen tundra of Minnesota to get to a Vikings game, it’s gotta be hard to convince players to embrace the cold, too.

Think about it. What hotshot NFL free agent is jumping at the chance to play in the, no offense, cultural equivalent of a statewide Tim Horton’s? Also, the strip clubs in Minneapolis must suck.

But I have sympathy for the Minnesotans. Therefore, they don’t quite crack the top five most disgraceful Super Bowl droughts.

5 – Los Angeles Chargers – 54 years

In stark contrast from the Vikings’ faithful, I don’t know how I can have sympathy for fans if they don’t exist. It’s amazing just how rooted in reality that joke is.

But seriously, the Chargers earn their disgrace ranking in a way all their own. Moving from a city where you’re the only pro sports show in town to one where you’re fighting for crumbs of relevancy among six other major franchises (not even counting the pair of increasingly popular MLS teams)? That’s just the sort of institutional idiocy we like to see here at the disgrace ranking committee!

And if that wasn’t enough, their ironman starting quarterback of 13 consecutive seasons decided to literally move across the country to ostensibly escape the tyranny of the only team he’s ever known. Yikes.

The only reason the Chargers aren’t higher in this list is because post-LA move they are truly unmatched in their irrelevancy to not just their home market but the league at large. Still, the sins of today don’t quite erase the decades of failure in San Diego.

If a team never wins a Super Bowl and no fans are ever around to care, how disgraceful can they really be?

4 – Cleveland Browns – 51 years

From a team with fans in the witness protection program to another team with fans who wish they could be so lucky.

The Browns have community support in spades. That’s the primary reason why they earn the 4th spot in this list.

However, as I previously said of their fellow Ohio franchise, winning titles just isn’t really the Browns way. It took peak LeBron James for any team in Cleveland to win a championship and, no matter how hard Progressive tries to pimp him, Baker Mayfield is no LeBron.

But don’t blame Baker. It seems that no matter who reps the Browns’ weird non-logo logo (you know you’ve given up when your official team symbol is literally the blank helmet you’re supposed to put the real logo on), it will be a cold day in the Dawg Pound when the city of Cleveland hoists a Lombardi.

Why is this the case? Magic is the best answer I can come up with. Well, really the opposite of magic. A curse.

Only the Browns could reunite the overwhelmingly talented Odell Beckham Jr. and Jarvis Landry to catch passes thrown by a quarterback they drafted number one overall only to rank 14th and (wait for it…) 22nd league-wide in passing yards per game in two consecutive seasons.

It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic.

I’m kidding of course. It’s hilarious. At least to non-Clevelanders.

But for real, those poor fans must feel like they’re in an abusive relationship. Every single season for their whole lives they bend over backwards against their better judgement to maybe, just maybe, get a bit of love back from the Browns. But no matter what they try, the Browns deliver a backhand to their faces and kick them to the curb all the same.

I bet the therapists in Cleveland make a killing.

3 – Buffalo Bills – 54 years

The Bills have a lot in common with the Browns. Both play for diehard fanbases. Both play in parts of the country that struggle to attract and hold on to grade A talent. Both have maintained open-air stadiums in climates that could definitely warrant a *shudder* dome.

But there’s one critical difference that separates these two downtrodden northern organizations…

One is in Cleveland, and one is in Buffalo.

To be clear, I’m not ripping Buffalo with that statement. The people of Buffalo are awesome. I know a few personally and I can attest to their cult-level devotion to the Bills (and chicken wings).

But in a city-to-city 1v1 matchup, Cleveland has more things in it to distract you from the failing football team.

How did I reach this empirical conclusion? Just google “fun things to do in Cleveland/Buffalo” and see for yourself. Here’s the three most fun non-NFL attractions I could find in each city:

Cleveland:

1. Cedar Point (currently ranked as the #3 amusement park in the world!)

2. Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (dope)

3. Cleveland Indians (narrowly missed the playoffs last MLB season)

Buffalo:

1. Niagara Falls (cool for like 15 minutes)

2. Erie County Fair (the second largest fair in the state of New York)

3. Canalside (think hipster-type waterfront walkaround but it’s below freezing)

So you see, Buffalonians have relatively little to look forward to besides the NFL season. That’s why their drought is more disgraceful than any other small market team. Their fan base doesn’t just deserve a Super Bowl, they need one.

2 – Atlanta Falcons – 54 years

A lot of the other franchises on this list play in small to medium sized cities. They’re perpetually struggling to attract first-rate athletes because not only do they need to convince players to embrace their team, but the city they play for, too.

This is not a problem the Falcons have.

Who doesn’t want to live in Atlanta? Especially nowadays.

It’s the mecca of trap music, the headquarters of giant companies like Coke and Turner Media, got great weather (no reason for the dome! Although I will admit the place looks like if money itself had an address) and nightlife. All while being distinctly southern but not in that confederate flag type way.

There’s just no excuse for the Falcons’ 54 years of failure. That’s what it comes down to.

And they know it, too. Falcons owner Arthur Blank slashed concessions prices in half two years ago in an initiative the team so humbly called “fan-first pricing.” How benevolent.

You know what really puts your fans first? Winning a Super Bowl at least once every half century.

I’ve come up with at least semi-legitimate explanations for every other team on this list, but the Falcons are the only franchise with none to speak of.

Well, except for the crown jewel of NFL disgrace…

1 – Detroit Lions – 54 years

It warms my heart that I can give Lions fans some form of victory at long last. They could really use it.

I’ve offered my sympathies and condolences to many of the fanbases I’ve covered thus far, but to Lions fans, it just feels disrespectful to do so. It would be like telling a meth addict you’re sorry they lost all the teeth in their head. How are they supposed to respond to that (literally)?

Detroit is as legit an American city as you can find. It’s got midwestern charm and work ethic, a storied music scene, and even a history of sports successes. Just not in football. 

How can a city be the home of Isaiah’s Pistons, baseball’s only Triple Crown winner since the Vietnam War, and an acclaimed Original Six NHL franchise while simultaneously have a real estate market so decimated you can buy a house for the price of a small McDonald’s coffee?

I don’t want to drag Detroit this whole section. Clearly, it’s having a hard time.

But that’s exactly why the Lions’ title drought is so disgraceful. Those people have a difficult enough day to day life (I’m picturing the dumps Eminem hung out at in 8 Mile). Depriving them of so much as a single Super Bowl for all this time feels like ownership spitting on the peasants who supply their checkbooks.

At this point in history, Lions ownership is obligated to deliver a Lombardi to the city that still, presumably solely due to Stockholm Syndrome, supports them year after year. The Lions’ is the most disgraceful drought in football, and perhaps all of sports.

Oh yeah, and they play in a dome. Gross.